What's New?

Being boring and lazy has its disadvantages when it comes to conversation.  At least that is what I have heard.  I was told this by an acquaintance. We will refer to him as Ned. 

"Ned, whatever do you mean by that remark?"  I asked, with genuine curiosity.  He replied, as any polite person would do when asked a question, that he was talking about the chance meeting he had with an old friend.  Before I could ask him to elaborate, he elaborated.  He told me that whenever a long-absent friend fills him in about his life and times since last they met, and then asks Ned about his life, Ned's response is usually rather underwhelming, which tends to elicit a look of either pity or disgust on the face of the friend. 

I asked him for an example of what he meant.  He then reached into his coat pocket and produced a sheet of paper.  "Read this," he said.  "It's a transcript, taken from memory, of my last such meeting."  I have reproduced it here, on this blog, from memory, as he would not allow me to keep the document.

Friend:  Hey there, Ned.  I haven't seen you in ages.  How are you doing, fella?
Ned:  Hey there, _____.  Not too much. Nice tie you've got there.
Friend:  Oh, yeah.  Thanks.  I made it myself with a 3-D printer.
Ned:  You did?
Friend:  Oh yeah.  I've got a whole bunch of these in my trunk.  They're copies of a real tie I have at home. 
Ned:  That's great.  So what have you been up to, _____?
Friend:  I just got a new job.  I'm an international race car driver adventurer secret agent journalist.
Ned:  Really?  That's great.  Didn't you used to be a nuclear physicist Bigfoot hunter deep-sea diver?
Friend:  Yeah, but it was starting to get a little old.  Plus, the pay wasn't all that great.  Money was getting a little tight.  I had to sell one of my private jets to help make ends meet.
Ned:  Your new job pays better, then?
Friend:  You bet!  I feel lucky to get it, you know?
Ned:  How does one get a job like that?
Friend:  Connections.  A good friend of mine from my movie days told me about the job being open.  I thought I'd offer to let them hire me for it, and of course they did.  The rest is history, as they say.
Ned:  Wow, that's great. 

Friend:  It sure is. What's new with you, Ned?

Ned:  Oh, not much.  I'm still working the third shift at the tongue depressor factory. 

Friend:  Oh, great.  You've been there a while now, Ned.  You must like it.

Ned:  Sometimes.  Like, during lunch, or whenever the throbbing in my head dies down after a shift is over.

Friend:  Okay... Anything going on outside of work?  Any big doings?

Ned:  Well, let's see... I bought a new toaster a few months ago... And, um, I took a short trip to Saginaw, Michigan.  I spent the whole day there practically.  Funeral. 

Friend:  Interesting. (He starts looking at his Rolex)

Ned:  I made a dentist's appointment for next Tuesday... so there's that.  I'm getting a cleaning.

Friend:  A cleaning.  Nice. (He starts to slowly back away.)

Ned:  Yep.  Oh, I just finished a book.  It's about otters.  I forget the title. Not too bad. 

Friend:  Yeah... That's really great... Oh, hey, look... I've gotta run, Ned. My girlfriend is waiting for me to pick her up at the modeling agency. So I gotta go. Nice seeing you again.

     Poor Ned. I didn't hear any more of his story, as I was pressed for time.  I'm sure I'll see him again some time.