Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Run-on Sentence

If ever you go against your better judgment, against your publicly stated resolution, against your solemn vow to yourself never to be caught dead or alive at any time or for any reason either inside or near a KFC; and doing so, order a new chicken wrap combo, knowing that this particular combo contains nutrients insufficient to sustain human life; knowing that the fat and sugar in this meal will surely add unsightly fat to your body; knowing that you will be disappointed with this meal even upon taking your first bite; and especially, knowing that KFC tends to produce inside your digestive system strange and unpleasant effects; and you wolf down this unholy mess anyhow, and thus find that, a full day later, you are still suffering from one of the worst cases of heartburn you have ever had, then simply take a teaspoon of vinegar and you will find sweet relief.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My Gift to You

Okay, folks, here's another post. I might as well blog while I'm in the mood, because I might not sit here a-bloggin agin fer a month a Sundays. So here goes.

Recently, I helped to write a letter for a friend of mine attempting to get out of a speeding ticket she got in small town Virginia. I had no hope that the judge there would listen to her plea or do anything at all for her to reduce the punishment. I was wrong, however. And though the judge did not waive the penalty, he did reduce the amount she owed by about one third. I had no idea that the judicial system in Virginia could be so swayed by my soaring prose. If I had known that mere words could influence the bench, I would have sent a nice letter to Judge Carroll in Lakewood for my own recent traffic incident. But I digress. I have decided that, as a token of appreciation to those loyal Fishbrick readers who so enthusiastically supported my recent extended sabbatical from the blog, I am going to provide a sample letter to use in case they receive speeding citations of their own. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and utilize the proper pronouns (if applicable.)

Dear Judge,

Recently, as I had the great good fortune to find myself driving through _________ I was stropped by a member of your crack police department who apparently was between naps. I was doing nothing wrong; transgressing no laws, but he/she/it felt compelled to pull me over anyway. This despite the important business I had waiting for me outside of your "fair city." Not that I would never have any business inside your town, but it's just that I don't personally have any dealings with the methamphetamine industry.
Now I don't blame Officer _______ for stopping me. He/she was just doing his/her job in seeing to the safe operation of the town's lucrative speed trap. I'm sure he/she would rather have stayed in the patrol car eating his KFC/donuts/Fruit Rollups, but a quota is a quota, and somebody has to pay the courthouse salaries. When he/she waddled over to my car, I explained with the utmost tact and respect that I had done no wrong and in fact was driving below the posted limit. But I think the long walk from the patrol car to my car irritated his/her otherwise good nature, and the result was that my entreaties fell on deaf ears. (By the way, I have never seen a human being sweat as much as the good Officer _______ did after walking that 15 yards. )
I realize that Officer ______ may not have been allowed to change my ticket on the spot, or that he/she may not have understood every word I said, some of them being over two syllables long. Thus, Your Honor, I turn to you with my plea and ask you to do what you must know in your heart of hearts to be the just thing. And that, sir/madame, is to waive punishment for this non-offense, and let your act of justice shine forth as a beacon to corrupt local officials the world over. Let this be the beginning of a new day of tolerance and understanding, peace and harmony, love and good sportsmanship. And please know, too, that by doing the right thing, you thereby increase the chances of my once again driving through the town of ______ , but this time with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Who knows, I may even stop at that filthy diner off the highway and use the restroom. If I see you, I will shake your hand.


Blogging Under Duress

Well, it's that time of the year again. Time to post to my blog. At least according to Laura, who is forcing me to do this or she will withhold a large amount of money conditionally pledged to a jog-a-thon I was in (see video here). Personally, I think it is too soon for another post, but it's out of my hands. Ironically, the last time I posted was when the Cleveland Cavaliers lost their home opener back in October. An inauspicious beginning, that. However, they turned their foundering ship around, improved their performance, made some big trades and got into the playoffs against all expectations. And then, finally, they reverted back to their normal state and lost to the Celtics in the second round of the playoffs, after dragging us through an excruciating seven game series.

Oh, well, things are better here in Cleveland than they were for many years, at least sportswise, so I will be content for now with my teams achieving upper-level mediocrity. The next Cleveland team to put us through the wringer on the way to losing the big game will be the Indians. I've learned, though, to endure the disappointment. After all, I am an Ohio State fan, and they have lost three championship games in two years. That is good practice for fans of Cleveland's pro teams. Wow, this blogging thing is fun. I think I'll do another one.