Friday, February 19, 2010

Suggested Olympic Events

The Vancouver Winter Olympiad continues in the tropical climes of British Columbia.  We all have our favorite moments at these olympics.  I personally enjoy watching the hair dye on Al Michaels' head, and also the downhill skating is great.  But most of the sports exhibited at the olympics are events that most Americans do not or cannot participate in.  I mean, when was the last time you and your so-called friends went out for a night of curling or ski jumping.  In fact, have you ever met a person or met a person who met a person who knew somebody who curls?  Such people are as plentiful as leftover beers at one of my one-man parties.  I think the Winter Olympics (am I right to use capital letters?) should include winter sports that the average joe (should I use a small letter?) can relate to.  Consequently, I have made a short list of events that I think ought to be included in the next Winter Olympics. 
  • The windshield scrape.  Participants are timed while they scrape thick ice off their windshields using a cheap, five inch long, Chinese-made ice scraper that they purchased at a drugstore.
  • The fall on ice and nonchalant recovery.  Participants are judged in how quickly they can get up from a nasty slip on the ice and act like they never fell.  Extra points are awarded for convincing the judges that there is no severe pain..
  • The driveway shovel race.  Participants are made to shovel heavy, wet snow sufficiently to allow their cars to back out of the driveway.  The object is to shovel the least amount of snow that will allow the car to be dislodged from the driveway.
  • Icicle dodge.  Participants stand under five foot icicles and must dive out the way of certain death as random icicles are thrown down upon them.
  • Gas bill cursing.  Participants are judged on how they react to astronomically high cold weather gas bills.  Points are awarded for decibel level and creativity. 
  • The jogger slalom.  Participants drive their cars down a simulated snow-covered city street and avoid  joggers who feel they must run in sub-zero weather on narrow snow-covered streets.
  • The snow shovel fling.  Participants must shovel a 50 yard driveway in their pajamas.  When they have finished, an Olympic snow plow proceeds down the street and deposits an eight foot high pile of snow at the base of the driveway.  Participants are judged on how far they can throw their shovels toward the retreating snow plow.  Style points can be earned for creative curse words, guttural wails of agony, and for sobbing.  Genuine tears are a plus.