Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My Gift to You

Okay, folks, here's another post. I might as well blog while I'm in the mood, because I might not sit here a-bloggin agin fer a month a Sundays. So here goes.

Recently, I helped to write a letter for a friend of mine attempting to get out of a speeding ticket she got in small town Virginia. I had no hope that the judge there would listen to her plea or do anything at all for her to reduce the punishment. I was wrong, however. And though the judge did not waive the penalty, he did reduce the amount she owed by about one third. I had no idea that the judicial system in Virginia could be so swayed by my soaring prose. If I had known that mere words could influence the bench, I would have sent a nice letter to Judge Carroll in Lakewood for my own recent traffic incident. But I digress. I have decided that, as a token of appreciation to those loyal Fishbrick readers who so enthusiastically supported my recent extended sabbatical from the blog, I am going to provide a sample letter to use in case they receive speeding citations of their own. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and utilize the proper pronouns (if applicable.)

Dear Judge,

Recently, as I had the great good fortune to find myself driving through _________ I was stropped by a member of your crack police department who apparently was between naps. I was doing nothing wrong; transgressing no laws, but he/she/it felt compelled to pull me over anyway. This despite the important business I had waiting for me outside of your "fair city." Not that I would never have any business inside your town, but it's just that I don't personally have any dealings with the methamphetamine industry.
Now I don't blame Officer _______ for stopping me. He/she was just doing his/her job in seeing to the safe operation of the town's lucrative speed trap. I'm sure he/she would rather have stayed in the patrol car eating his KFC/donuts/Fruit Rollups, but a quota is a quota, and somebody has to pay the courthouse salaries. When he/she waddled over to my car, I explained with the utmost tact and respect that I had done no wrong and in fact was driving below the posted limit. But I think the long walk from the patrol car to my car irritated his/her otherwise good nature, and the result was that my entreaties fell on deaf ears. (By the way, I have never seen a human being sweat as much as the good Officer _______ did after walking that 15 yards. )
I realize that Officer ______ may not have been allowed to change my ticket on the spot, or that he/she may not have understood every word I said, some of them being over two syllables long. Thus, Your Honor, I turn to you with my plea and ask you to do what you must know in your heart of hearts to be the just thing. And that, sir/madame, is to waive punishment for this non-offense, and let your act of justice shine forth as a beacon to corrupt local officials the world over. Let this be the beginning of a new day of tolerance and understanding, peace and harmony, love and good sportsmanship. And please know, too, that by doing the right thing, you thereby increase the chances of my once again driving through the town of ______ , but this time with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Who knows, I may even stop at that filthy diner off the highway and use the restroom. If I see you, I will shake your hand.



InTheOubliette said...

As I recall you were able to completely avoid paying a ticket (or two!) in Canterbury thanks to your blazing wit. Your ability to help a lead-footed friend in need is not the least bit surprising to me!

Neil said...

Hello, Oublie. I forgot to mention that I might have sent a 10 pound note with the letter to the Canterbury authorities. Actually, I played on their sympathies for my distress over having my two travel mates wander off into oblivion at the cathedral.