Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Long Awaited Post


It's been a long time since I posted anything here, and I'm sorry to my readers for making you both wait. But the fact is that I've been twice as busy as usual. Last week I had to do two loads of laundry and run the dishwasher (plus unload it). Also, I went out to eat a few days ago, and took a trip to the grocery store twice since last you heard from me. So, clearly, some things of lesser importance have to be put on the back burner when life starts throwing fastballs one after the other.

Now to the meat of this post. It just so happens that I have recently become interested in astrology. Each day millions of people across the world check their horoscopes before they start the day, little realizing just how much time and effort the astrologer must put into each day's entry. A great deal of preparation and research goes into the creation of a reliable horoscope. I know this myself, because recently I have learned astrology. I have done the work. I have generously deigned to share with you the fruit of my efforts in the form of the horoscope, which I intend to make a regular feature of the Fishbrick blog. Here then is my inaugural trip to the stars:

Antiquarius: Don't be afraid to humiliate somebody today. Steer clear of deadly poison. Travel is what you need, so why not get on a bus and go to Duluth. Somebody you love is going to spill a strawberry milkshake on your overpriced shoes.

Leon: Don't let your spindly arms make you feel inferior. Buy a weapon. Today is the day to ask for that raise, and for the boss to say no. There is a change in the offing. Hide.

Crapicorn: You are a lot smarter than you look. But then, you'd have to be. It's time to put down that pencil and pick up the pen. Ask that special someone to marry you. Try to keep your spouse from finding out. Too much work makes Jack a dull boy. Stay away from Jack.

Virgil: Don't let anyone tell you what to do, run screaming from the room with your hands over your ears. If your job is getting you down, today is the day to frown. Money is coming your way, perhaps in the form of an out-of-control armored car.

Sanitarius: Love is a many splendored thing. Except for you, in which case, love is a unisplendored thing. Take a chance today, gamble your life savings on Happy Horsemeat in the third race. Avoid travel today. In fact, do not leave the chair you are sitting in now.

Lebron: Today is your lucky day, if by lucky you mean apt to be accidentally poked in the eye by a stevedore. Keep focused on the task at hand until you get distracted. Treat yourself to a strawberry milkshake.

Canker: You tend to try too hard. Just give up already. Turn off the computer and go curl up into the fetal position in a darkened room. Check back here in a few weeks.

Arnies: Now is the time to take up a hobby that doesn't involve intelligence. Refrain from exposure to sharp objects. Don't attempt to hold a conversation with somebody smarter than yourself.

Taurtar: You can be your own worst enemy, but only if you try hard. You will come into a a lot of money very soon. Oops, sorry, I got my signals mixed. It isn't money, but monkeys. Stock up on monkey chow.

Pixies: Stay away from woodpeckers unless you are wearing a hat. It's time to assert yourself and make known that 'big idea' you've been keeping to yourself. We can all use the laugh. Also, move your house two feet to the left.

Scorpius: You are very creative, but you utterly lack talent or ability of any kind. If you must do something 'artistic' try humming while you clean the toilet. Expect a visit today from somebody dressed as a turtle.

Gemima: Nothing can stop you today, not because of your own strength, but because the world is indifferent to you. Something great is going to happen today at work. Be sure to applaud the lucky recipient.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Mutant Vegetation


I came home from a three day trip this weekend and couldn't find my house. I drove up and down the street looking, but could not spot it. Finally I got smart and decided to look for my neighbors' houses, which would at least narrow down the search area to a more manageable size. Well, I found the two houses that normally stand on either side of my home. But in between the two houses there was nothing but a field of extremely tall grass. So I put two and two together and walked into and through the grass until I smacked my nose into what felt distinctly like my house. Sure enough, it was my house. It turns out that the problem was that my lawn grew so fast this weekend that my poor little house became obscured. How interesting that seemingly normal vegetation can grow so quickly. I was only gone for three days. I realize that it rained while I was away, but as far as I know, it rained water, not Miracle-Gro. I think that if Jack of giant-killing fame wants to find a place to launch another beanstalk, he couldn't do any better than to plant his beans in my front yard. The stalks would probably hit the moon. I'm going to have a hell of a time mowing this mess. The only way I can think to make any headway is to turn the mower on and lower it down from my attic window, being careful not to nick any treetops. The problem is that once I finish cutting the lawn, it will be ready for mowing again. It's sort of like the painters on the Golden Gate Bridge. They just paint and paint and by the time they finish, they start again.