Warning Signs

Life is fraught with danger.  Sickness, calamity, accidents and death are constantly on the hunt for new victims.  The best way to stave them off is to be attentive, watchful, alert and aware.  We must be sensitive to the warning signs of impending doom, and thereby take action to thwart its doominess.  Following are a few warning signs.  If any or all of these apply to you, you can either roll over and accept your demise, or take immediate steps to convene a committee to draw up guidelines in order to formulate a bold plan of action to undermine the hostile intentions of cruel fate.  Knowledge is power, and as the old saying goes: forewarned is forearmed.  So maybe you should tattoo this list to your forearm.

Warning signs:

• Bullets being fired in your direction.
• Being hurled through the air.
• Being told that you just drank poison.
• Scratchy throat.
• Getting embalmed.
• Meeting deceased relatives in a beautiful place of peace and light.
• Shortness of breath.
• Rigor mortis.
• Vomiting.
• Seeing a mushroom cloud up close.
• Hearing the heartbeat of a large shark.
• Leg cramps.
• The smell of gas in the house.
• The sensation of being trampled by African elephants.
• Smoke alarm going off in your house.
• The sound of your driver snoring.
• The sound of your stewardess shrieking in terror.
• "Welcome to Guatemala City"
• Seeing the handle of a knife protruding from your chest.
• Your ski buddy yelling "Avalanche!"
• Slurred speech.
• "Welcome to Chicago"
• Frequent nosebleeds.
• Your pal Jim Bob stumbling in the door with a box of fireworks.
• A telephone pole inside your car.
• Dizziness.
• Being covered with flies.
• Hearing your surgeon say "oops" in the operating room.
• Watching the upper floors of a tall building speeding past you.
• The sensation of dirt being shoveled onto your coffin.